I Was A Literal Child

So Google has put these ads up on my page, and I think they are trying to be relevant to the material on this page... the adds that were up today were all about mouse extermination. I feel like Google hasn't quite "got" my page yet.

Anyway, today I have a story from my childhood.

I was in grade 1. At school our teacher, Mr. Barrett gave us a presentation about Drinking & Driving. It was a very compelling presentation. I left understanding that Drinking and Driving is evil and bad and will kill everyone you know!!!

Only the most awful of people do this and we are all responsible for keeping our streets safe! Yup, even me, a 7 year old.

The next day I was in the car with my parents.

Everything was great. I was thinking about all the other evil stuff people who Drink and Drive must do in their free time.

Like burn kittens.

Then Mom asked Dad to head into the Tim Horton's Drive-Thru

I was excited because it meant I would get Tim Bits... which are mini donuts. Pretty much crack to certain children.

Everything was great.

Then I leaned forward and was looking at my parents.

I was hoping there might be some more Tim Bits.

There weren't.

My parents were just happily drinking their coffees.

Wait a second, I thought, Dad is drinking in the car...

This is what went through my head: Dad is drinking coffee. Dad is driving. Dad is drinking while driving. OMFG Dad is Drinking and Driving!!!!!!  

Dad is a DRUNK DRIVER!

I foresaw the future. The Only future possible for those who Drink and Drive:

Oh fuck.

Somehow the rest of the ride was uneventful and in fact, no one died. I thanked God, I was so lucky. I made it out of a Drinking and Driving situation alive. What a miracle!

But now I was faced with a real dilemma: My parents were Drunk Drivers. Drunk Drivers were evil. The worst type of evil, kitten-killing EVIL

 I had to save the kittens.

But they are my parents! I love my parents! I don't want them to get into trouble. If they go to jail what will happen to me?

It was a tough decision. I thought back to all the innocent people and kittens I could save and decided that I had to turn my parents in.

Maybe it isn't too late for them and they can recover and one day not be Drunk Drivers anymore!

I had hope.

The next day at school, after another terrifying Drunk Driving experience (OMG! I survived again!), I approached Mrs. Barrett:

Ummmm... Mrs. Barret.. I have something I need to talk to you about...

What is it dear? Is something bothering you?

My parents have been Drinking and Driving!!!!!!! And they are going to kill kittens, and I LOVE kittens and I just can't let it happen and please I don't know what to do! WaaaaAAAAAAAAAaaaAA

Oh dear. (long pause) Well you've done the right thing by telling me Sarah. 

That evening after school in the playground, the principal approached my parents.

 Oh no, this is it. I've ruined my parents lives.

I was very distraught as the principal talked to them. Then something unexpected happened:

My parents approached me, and they were FURIOUS!

MOM: 

Sarah! Why have you been telling Mr. White that your father drinks and drives?

ME:  

Because he does...

MOM & DAD:

WHAT?!?!?!?

I burst into tears and my parents fumed.

MR. WHITE:

Ok, Ok.. Why don't we all just calm down.

Now, Sarah, why don't you tell me about what you saw.

ME: 

Well, yesterday...

DAD:

YESTERDAY, What are you -

MR. WHITE:

Please, Sir, I'm asking Sarah.-

ME:

Umm.. well *sniff* we were driving *sniff* when my mom told my dad to go into *sniff* Tim Horton's *sniff*, and he did *sniff* and... and... and... AND THEN HE DRANK AND DROVED!

Dramatic Pause.

MR. WHITE:

Sarah, when you say your parents drink and drive... what do they drink?

ME:

COFFEE!!!!

They all burst into peals of laughter. Mr. White apologized to my parents and made some "kids say the darnedest things" quip.

I was very confused.

It was several more years before I figured out that "Drinking and Driving" meant drinking ALCOHOL and driving.

The End